Everybody Wants to be My Baby
by Seijitsu
Summary: Oneshot. A possible Valentine's scenario from Haruhi's middle school days, or maybe an AU in which she attends some high school other than Ouran.


There's something about Valentine's Day that really heats up adolescent blood.

Of course, as with everything, there are exceptions. Case in point: one Fujioka Haruhi, blithely unaware of the boys clamoring over each other behind her back, each as determined as the next to win her heart and her chocolates. What was on Haruhi's mind in this tense and horomone-ridden atmosphere? The math test coming up next week, the TV program she wanted to watch tonight, what leftovers were still in the fridge for her to pack in tomorrow's lunch... what kind of heroine _is_ she, anyway?

"Fujioka really is the prettiest girl in the class, huh?" one would-be suitor said, admiring her as skits were going on in their English class (instead of working on his own, as he should have been).  
"What's this 'in the class' stuff? She's obviously the prettiest girl in the entire school!" This statement was greeted by a murmur of a agreement and enthusiastically nodding heads.

"Tomorrow is Valentine's... I'd love to get chocolates from her."  
"Me, too."  
"And me!"

So began: THE GREAT BATTLE FOR FUJIOKA'S LOVE, VALENTINE'S SPECIAL!!

Middle school boys are many things, but one thing they generally are not is subtle. As Haruhi entered the room that morning, there was a brief hush, followed by a poor attempt at muffling excited chatter. The boys were gossiping like roosting hens, the girls shooting laser beams out of their eyes, and the teacher even had to cough not once, but twice, to get the class' attention. But Haruhi noticed none of this because she was too anxious for the end of class so she could go to the bakery and pick up some of the French loaves that go on sale at the end of the day.

When the bell rang for lunch, people seemed to materialize from thin air around Haruhi's desk. Even boys not in the class managed to teleport to within ten meters of her the moment lunch break began. "Fujioka, did you bring a lunch? Fujioka's lunches always look so delicious!" "Fujioka, Fujioka, what did you get on that last math assignment?" "Fujioka, can you help me with homework after school today?" "Say, Fujioka, have you been to that new cafe across the street yet?" Overwhelmed by the attention, yet still not getting the point, Haruhi was saved by the teacher, who wanted to congratulate her for a poetry award she won without patronizing the other students, and thus pulled her into the teacher's lounge.

But the boys refused to be so easily defeated. The memory of Fujioka's dark, shining hair, her limpid, liquid eyes, her perfect score on that last quiz they had, and the adorable way she ate sandwiches still burned in their hearts. "Dammit, I don't care what happens, I will have Fujioka's chocolate by the end of the day!"

A nearby female classmate, tiring of this idiotic jabber, shot them a look. "Have you morons ever considered that she didn't even buy any chocolates this year?"  
The boys paid no heed. That was simply impossible! A collective fantasy of Haruhi blushing as she confessed, trying vainly (but cutely!) to hide a red heart-shaped package tied with a big pink ribbon--

But the bell interrupted their thoughts. (Good riddance to that rubbish!)

Thus THE GREAT BATTLE FOR FUJIOKA'S LOVE, VALENTINE'S SPECIAL!! entered round two.

The teacher found it unusually difficult to hold the class' attention that afternoon, as all male eyes were on Haruhi. The moment the bell rang, they rocketed out of their seats once more.

"Fujioka, you don't have to stay behind for student council today, do you?" "Fujioka, do you want me to hold your books for you?" "I'll walk you home, Fujioka!" "Fujioka, are you free right now?" A minor scuffle broke out (well, minor considering the circumstances) as Haruhi was politely excusing herself, helping her make a clean getaway.

But she couldn't keep the horde back for long. Like a pack of stray dogs following a hot dog vendor with their tails wagging and tongues dripping slobber, the crowd of boys trailed along behind her. Briefly, Haruhi mentally noted that the sidewalk seemed a little more crowded than usual today, then thought no more about it.

Then, suddenly, they all saw it! Fujioka reaching into her bag, and, after a short round of rummaging, pulling out a small, red, heart-shaped package. Many faces felt the fury of their neighbors' elbows, many feet suffered the wrath of their neighbors' shoes, at the introduction of what was tantamount to the Holy Grail itself.  
One brave soul spoke up. "Fujioka, is that chocolate?" Translation: TELL ME THAT YOU LOOOOOVE ME!

Haruhi smiled, making all the boys' hearts skip a beat. "Yes, it is." All hopes rose (as did some other things, but that's nasty and I won't mention it again).

Cut to scene: Ranka seeing his beloved daughter off earlier that day. "Ha! ru! hi! chaaaaaaaan!! Do you know what today is?"  
"It's Tuesday, Dad, and your books are due back to the library by the day after tomorrow."  
"Bubuuu! Wrong! It's Valentine's Day, did you forget? That's why Daddy has a gift for his adorable daughter!"  
Thus, the origin of the chocolate currently in Haruhi's hand.

"I remembered it just now and thought I could eat it as a little snack! I think my dad's feelings would be hurt if he found out I'd forgotten about it all day."  
If dreams made a sound as they shattered, it would've been pretty noisy just then, out on the street. As it was, though, neither broken dreams nor broken hearts make any audible sound, so a sudden silence had settled over the pack.

Had that really just happened? Was that really it? Did she really not have any chocolates to give out? Did... DID THEY ALL JUST GET DUMPED, EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM!?

They watched in stunned silence as a still-oblivious Haruhi popped the candy into her mouth and made little happy eating noises as she chewed and swallowed it. They watched in stunned silence as she tossed the wrapper in a nearby wastebasket and tucked the card that had accompanied it back into her bag. They watched in stunned silence as she continued on her merry way, making no motion to procure more similar packages.

What was supposed to have been THE GREAT BATTLE FOR FUJIOKA'S LOVE, VALENTINE'S SPECIAL!! had turned out to be MASS DUMPING BY FUJIOKA, EVERYONE DEFEATED!!  
And the oblivious, natural type had single-handedly obliterated the hearts of thirty-some young men without the slightest effort.


End file.
